All 8th grade girls hate me. I don't know why. It isn't that much of a loss I suppose, they're annoying anyway. I just don't understand why they all intuitively hate my guts.
Maria came to school today asking for my key to the house. Apparently she had locked herself out. I told her where the spare key was, and she went back home.
When I went home that afternoon, I was not surprised to find that she had carefully locked the door after leaving the house again. I was also not surprised that she hadn't put the key back. I went around to each of the sliding doors, checking them to see if she had failed to put the stupid stick behind them. She hadn't failed. In fact, she had carefully barricaded each of them with a monomaniacal determination. I tried the windows. The 8th grade girl next door looked at me reproachfully. "Good luck getting in" she said, her voice dripping with sarcastic glee.
I tried my bedroom window. The screen was locked. I tried pulling down the upper panel of the sliding window. To my surprise, it opened! Now I had a 18 by 18 hole 5 feet off the ground. I jumped for the roof ledge and missed. I then tried pushing off from the side of the house as I jumped, and managed to grip a shingle. As I wormed my way inside through the hole feet first I said "I am having good luck actually, thanks."

Now she REALLY hates me

Breaking News!

Today, in an elaborate ceremony, the flags were finally switched. President Bush spoke of his hopes for the new government as the McDonald's Flag was raised above the White House. Till now the McDonald's flag has flown below the U.S. flag, but with the change in administrations it is now given a place of honor.
At the swearing in ceremony, Ronald McDonald placed his hand on a super sized box of fries as he took the oath of office. "I want to keep our priorities strait" said McDonald in a news conference on Thursday. "My critics complain about inflation, unemployment and rising gas prices, but I reply Dollar Menu! McJob's for everyone! Canola oil powered cars!"
McDonald refused to respond to accusations that the entire U.S. economy could not be powered by fries, saying that reporters were trying to complicate the issue.
We asked senator Anonymous (D, Virginia) for his opinion on the new president. "I honestly don't think it will be that much of a change" he said. "There's nothing new about having a clown in the White House, and they've been trademarks of large corporations for decades now."
In related news, McDonald’s stock was up today. We're not sure how much, as the stock exchange computer system crashed with the flurry of buying. The shares are estimated at about $5000 each. The stock is expected to split 70 for one on Monday.